I wasn’t sure how to start this post. I still have a wide range of emotions going on from moment to moment, but I realize now that it’s ok – it’s normal. I’ve been trying to change my perspective and soak up the seasons Christmas Magic.
The other day we made Glittered Pinecones like we did last year. I took the idea from a bloggy friend and I think it may become a tradition. Just thinking about it makes me happy. The kids had so much fun doing it and I enjoyed watching them have fun. When I asked if they wanted to make glitter pinecones they all shouted “yes!” and came running to the kitchen table. I had all of the supplies ready for them – glue and water mixed in a bowl, pinecones, glitter, wax paper. Watching Samuel sitting there, so proud shaking glitter all over the place was just too sweet.
We let them dry for several hours and then my dad hung them on wire in the entrance to the kitchen. I love it. They’re pretty and sparkly – I like things that sparkle. I made knit triangles for each kid to put on the little 4ft tree that my dad bought. It’s adorable and the kids love it.
Yesterday evening we took the kids to the mall to see Santa. On the way Ava asked me “mommy, is this the real Santa?” I looked at her and said “yes it is”. Kiah says “I don’t think it’s the real Santa…I think it’s a guy in a costume”. She quickly changed her mind and went back to being excited to see Santa again. He was taking a break just as we arrived so we walked around the mall for a bit, and came to a pet store. I don’t normally like pet stores in the mall, but this one was very clean. We went in after gushing over the puppy in the window that hopped around barking at us. We held the most adorable Rat Terrior pup…I owned one for several years in my early twenties. she was so sweet! The girls loved all over her and Samuel slept through the entire thing because he was taking his first nap of the day on my dads shoulder at 5pm. I told the girls that once we get into our own place again in the spring/summer that we’ll see about getting a dog. Ava said she was asking Santa for one.
I wasn’t sure how Samuel would react and asked him if he was excited to see Santa – he nodded his head yes. The girls talked about who would go first and Nakiah said she would….Ava said Samuel should go because he was scared. Samuel said in his adorable toddler voice “I not scared anymore” We were the 2nd ones to get in line for Santa…it was a scene I wish I had recorded. He came walking down the mall waving to the line of kids saying ‘ho ho ho’ All of the kids were smiling and some were jumping up and down. Samuel was trying to see him so my dad picked him up so he could watch Santa. The girls stood there smiling, anxiously waiting for their turn. Samuel stood with this intense look on his face, like he was trying to figure this guy out. It was our turn and as soon as we stepped into the Wonderland Area Samuel started waving and saying “hi Santa”. Total Cuteness! Santa picked him up and sat him on his lap, Ava sat on one side and Kiah sat on the other – she told Santa she wanted a Mermaid doll and then scooted to the other end of the couch completely uninterested. I think she felt a little shy….after all this was the real Santa from the North Pole! Ava starred at him in amazement telling him about the dolls she wanted, no mention of a dog. Samuel told him he wanted a truck that diggers and then proceeded to chat with him about Thomas the Train… I’m smiling just thinking about it.
All three kids grabbed their reindeer hats and let us take pictures of them. I love these kids.
There are times throughout the day where I think I’m not giving them enough. I realize that I can’t be mom and dad, so I’m not even going to try. I’m going to do the best that I can do as one person – as mom.
Months ago I was so worried about the kids not having a Christmas and a friend gave me $45 in Amazon gift cards for them. Then my mom was given $75 in Visa gift cards from her job plus a $25 Kohl’s gift card, then my brother went out and bought presents for them. Last year we did pj’s and books as Christmas Eve presents…this year I’m making last-minute pixie hats for them to open. We ended up being so blessed…and I know Christmas isn’t about presents, but the fact that I have people in my life that can make Christmas happen for my kids just makes me feel so grateful. The last 2-3yrs I see more and more that it’s about the Spirit of giving, being with the ones you love. People really are generous and caring – they want to help. One day I hope to be able to do something like this for someone. I do try to pay all the goodness I receive forward in the best way that I can, but always wishing I could do more.
This entire situation is a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be. I never saw myself in this place, in this position and I have no idea what the future holds. The last week I’ve been able to completely soak up the times where I feel so happy, our merry-making, watching Christmas shows and movies. For the first time in months I have the tiniest bit of hope…. I have my babies here with me. They are happy and healthy. I still have moments where I’ll feel good and then the next moment I feel sadness or anger. Then I look at my kids and think I can continue to provide moments like the ones we’ve had the last several days and keep on making memories with them. Not expecting what we do to replace anything they’ve lost. Starting new traditions, keeping with old ones, just loving them and giving them the gift of presence year round.
I’m sure we’re all thinking of the CT families and what a difficult time they are going through. You can’t be a parent and not feel their pain. My thoughts are with them and I pray they will be surrounded by loving and supportive people. I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas….if you don’t celebrate I wish you lots of love and joy in however you spend the day.