>Broken But Not Destroyed

>I remember when we first found out we were having a girl. I was pregnant with Nakiah. 

After we left the office I was scared and excited. I was scared because of the relationship I have with my mom. We have not spoken since Januaray of 2008.
I made the decision to cut her out of our lives. I suffered a lot of emotional, verbal and physical abuse from her growing up. 
Now here I am with TWO girls. They are my heart. I adore them. 
I’ve been in therapy on and off for 4 years now trying to find a way to either cope, deal or forgive. 
After all of this time I’m still stuck.
Sometimes I feel that I hate my mom. Everyone says “you only have one mother” Ok…so what? Because she is my mom I have to put up with more verbal and emotional abuse from her?I should forgive her and say it’s ok. I don’t think so.
I want the relationship with my daughters that I didn’t have with my mom.
I want them to be able to talk to me about anything. I want them to know I am their soft place to fall. 
I could use the excuse” my mom did it to me” That is a serious cop out! It doesn’t matter what someone does or doesn’t do to you, it’s about choices. I am choosing not to be like my mom. I am choosing to do and be better.
I also want to set a good example for my girls.
My mom was an example for me on how to take over as head of the house and destroy your marriage. How to withold so much love from your daughter that she wonders what she did wrong to make her mother not love her.
I can only recall one time where she told me she loved me. She never hugged or kissed me, told me she was proud of me. 
Do you know what that feels like as a child growing up? And now I have my kids and sometimes it’s a serious struggle for me. 
My mom never saw me for who I was, only what she wanted me to be. She still doesn’t see me for who I am.
I was doing the same thing with my oldest and when I realized it, it was like a punch in the gut. Seriously, it made me sick.
Peaceful Parenting is something I work at daily.It seems like when I think I’ve got it, life throws me another curveball.
Other times I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. I’ve come a long way in the past few years though.
Attachment Parenting and Unschooling are helping me face these demons….it’s healing for me. 
I admit that it isn’t easy. It’s actually painful at times.
I pray and ask God to help me find my way. I ask him to show me he way and to mold me into the mother, wife and woman he wants me to be.
I am working on forgiving her. It’s been a slow process for me. I know I need to let go of this hurt and anger because it’s eating away at me, but if I’m honest with myself I feel if I forgive her that means she’s off the hook. I know that’s not right, but I am entitled to my feel the way I do.
This is harder then I thought it would be.
I don’t really know where I was going with this post. I just had some thoughts pop into my head and decided to let it out.
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6 thoughts on “>Broken But Not Destroyed

  1. >I can relate to this post SO much because you pretty much described the existence that I have with my mother. It makes me VERY insecure to have kids of my own; i DO NOT want to do the same things to my kids that she did to me. I need to go BACK to therapy (havent been able to afford it the last few years) to work through some more of the issues I have, but yea. I really hate it when people who have no idea what its like to deal with an abusive mother to be like "You only have ONE mother." or "You better be glad she's still here." or "You have no idea what your mother did for you, you better be grateful." All of those sentiments are fine for those with normal mothers, but for those of us who grew up with abusive, manipulative, belittling, emotionally cold mothers, those "words of wisdom" dont apply.I pray everyday that I continue to reject my mother's traits. I'm glad im not alone though, sometimes it feels like it. *hugs*

  2. >I have huge empathy for you, and in many aspects, I can relate as my relationship with both my parents and even my one sibling has been greatly estranged at times. Living with my mother was very, very hard most of the time and though I know she loved me and I know what gifts she gave me, there was/is tremendous pain. She died two years ago, so there is no reconciling for me, with her at least. With my father, it's a struggle, always. As it is with my sib. I feel for you. There are no easy answers. I know also, how important it is to circle those wagons around your family. You have every right to do so. It's hard work we do, we damaged people, to love others. It's obvious you are doing it nonetheless, so hugs to you.

  3. >I wanted to thank you for being so open and sharing this personal part of yourself, it might help someone else realize that they may have the same patterns and that they can break them!

  4. >You are completely right that doing the same as was done to you is a cop out. Working on mending things and striving for a better tomorrow with your mom is very admirable. God wants complete families. Really, its the Devil that wants divided ones. What happens to flocks of sheep that are scattered and the young are separated from the parents? They are the first to go right? We need these reinforcements. My strained relationship is with my father. It’s pretty rocky at times. I just try and push through and I deal with my kids in a kind manner in front of him and many times he follows suit by doing the same to me. We are different generation of parents. A greater generation in some respects. All you can do is to keep trying. Who knows when she may come around. Self-preservation is also something to care for too. If she’s acting a bit crazy round the girls you as their mother need to protect them from harmful attitudes too. Hang in there mama!My best, Lynn

  5. >Not that i have the exact same experience as you growing up, but i did have a poor relationship with my mother and after i was out of the house basically pulled away from her. she died in 2006 and at the time of her death we weren’t all that close to each other. in many ways i feel like she was a perfect example of what not to do in a marriage. she was very controlling and (not that it was all her fault) had a terrible marriage with my dad.everyday i have to try to let go of things that i learned from her. i have to really take a step back sometimes when i realize i am doing to my husband what she did to my dad. it is a daily struggle.i find peace, however in the good things that she instilled in me. and perhaps you can too. i am sure that she gave you some good, you turned out the way you are and that in itself is a testament that she did at least some things right.i guess i just wanted you to know that you are not alone in healing from a less than stellar parent.peace to you and your girls and husband, the fact that you acknowledge you have issues to resolve and overcome shows a great deal of strenth and self awareness.I wish you well

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