>I remember when we first found out we were having a girl. I was pregnant with Nakiah.
After we left the office I was scared and excited. I was scared because of the relationship I have with my mom. We have not spoken since Januaray of 2008.
I made the decision to cut her out of our lives. I suffered a lot of emotional, verbal and physical abuse from her growing up.
Now here I am with TWO girls. They are my heart. I adore them.
I’ve been in therapy on and off for 4 years now trying to find a way to either cope, deal or forgive.
After all of this time I’m still stuck.
Sometimes I feel that I hate my mom. Everyone says “you only have one mother” Ok…so what? Because she is my mom I have to put up with more verbal and emotional abuse from her?I should forgive her and say it’s ok. I don’t think so.
I want the relationship with my daughters that I didn’t have with my mom.
I want them to be able to talk to me about anything. I want them to know I am their soft place to fall.
I could use the excuse” my mom did it to me” That is a serious cop out! It doesn’t matter what someone does or doesn’t do to you, it’s about choices. I am choosing not to be like my mom. I am choosing to do and be better.
I also want to set a good example for my girls.
My mom was an example for me on how to take over as head of the house and destroy your marriage. How to withold so much love from your daughter that she wonders what she did wrong to make her mother not love her.
I can only recall one time where she told me she loved me. She never hugged or kissed me, told me she was proud of me.
Do you know what that feels like as a child growing up? And now I have my kids and sometimes it’s a serious struggle for me.
My mom never saw me for who I was, only what she wanted me to be. She still doesn’t see me for who I am.
I was doing the same thing with my oldest and when I realized it, it was like a punch in the gut. Seriously, it made me sick.
Peaceful Parenting is something I work at daily.It seems like when I think I’ve got it, life throws me another curveball.
Other times I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. I’ve come a long way in the past few years though.
Attachment Parenting and Unschooling are helping me face these demons….it’s healing for me.
I admit that it isn’t easy. It’s actually painful at times.
I pray and ask God to help me find my way. I ask him to show me he way and to mold me into the mother, wife and woman he wants me to be.
I am working on forgiving her. It’s been a slow process for me. I know I need to let go of this hurt and anger because it’s eating away at me, but if I’m honest with myself I feel if I forgive her that means she’s off the hook. I know that’s not right, but I am entitled to my feel the way I do.
This is harder then I thought it would be.
I don’t really know where I was going with this post. I just had some thoughts pop into my head and decided to let it out.