>I will win this battle

>I decided to also use my blog as a bit of therapy too. I hope you all don’t mind. I’m going to talk about depression today. It’s eaten away at my mind and soul for years now and I am really sick of it. I have really good days and really bad days.

It started after Nakiah was born. I didn’t feel conncected to her at all. Her birth was very traumatic and she almost didn’t make it. I was in shock and I felt so alone. I would look at my friends kiss and hug their babes and wonder why I didn’t feell ike kissing and hugging on Nakiah. I kept it to myself for a while.
I remember when Nakiah was 9 weeks old and I was holding her and she was screaming and crying. Nothing I was doing was working. My chest was tight, my stomach was in knots and I was almost in tears myself. I actually yelled at her to shut up. I yelled at my 9 week old baby girl. WTH was wrong with me? I immediately called my midwife and she had me come in.
After talkign with her she wrote me a script for 10mg of Lexapro. I took it for a while and then stopped because of what a friend said to me. Looking back I wish I had never listened to her because she didn’t understand what I was going through.
So for the past almost 5 years now I have been on Lexapro, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Prozac & Wellbutrin together , back to Zoloft and I have finally settled on Lexapro.
To be honest, I don’t like taking the meds. There was a time when I felt if I had to be on them for the rest of my life I was cool with that. Not anymore.
Now I’m looking into more holistic treatments. I’m going to start to slowly cut some things out of my diet, start taking vitamins and exercise.
My goal is to be able to come off of these meds in a year.
I’m ready for a complete lifestyle change. Back in 2005 I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression(PPD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD), and Major Depression.
Talk about a ride. Here’s your new baby girl, go home and take care of her and yourself, oh and by the way here’s alist of things wrong with you. Good luck!
That’s how I felt when Nakiah was 6 months old. For years I have wondered why me? Why am I going through this? Sometimes I feel like I can’t take it anymore. On my bad days it’s a battle with my mind, do you know what that is like? It’s torture! I can’t concentrate, I have trouble sleeping and I either eat all the time, or I’m not eating much.
I don’t know how, but I am determined to win this battle over the depression.
I want my life back. I’m tired of waking up wondering if it’s going to be a good or bad day. Nakiah asks me if I’m mad or happy. This is not how I want to remember her childhood.
Sometimes I feel like a burden to my family. Thyere are days where nothing my husband says or does is right.
I’m sure he’s tired of this battle too. My thinking isn’t always rational. Especially these past two weeks. Lets not forget lovely mother nature. I got my period back when Ava was around 17 months. That hrew my body and mind into a whirlwind. So two weeks out of every month I become this scary beast. Not cool.
I was also diagnosed with PMDD. It feels like I’m watching this other person when I’m like that.
How can I tell my girls to be kind to others when I’m running around like a hungry bear.
I’ve got to get my mind right because my family needs me to be whole again. And I do feel broken,sometimes I feel like I can’t be fixzed. I don’t think before I speak, I yell, just not a happy mommy. I don’t like that person. I want to get rid of her.
I want to be happy and smiling and laughing again. I still smile and laugh, who wouldn’t with my two divas.I don’t feel like myself, sometimes I look in the mirrow and think where did you come from?
I will get back to myself one day. I may not recognize her either. I’ve changed so much in these 5 years and I will continue to change. Hopefully for the better.

11 thoughts on “>I will win this battle

  1. >I have depressive tendencies too. It runs in the family (though none of them got help before it was too late.)I had a bad case of PPD/PTSD after my first son was cut from me – things were bad. I felt better after my second son was born (vbac) and got to succeed at breastfeeding. I've only started to feel down again since he turned 1 and has mostly weaned himself. I feel like my hormones went insane. I don't want to be on medication again, so I'm going to try every other natural remedy first. We'll see what happens.

  2. >I remember coming off the meds when I was pregnant with Ava. Oh I was a mess, and I was only on 10mg!That's another reason I'm looking for more natural ways to treat the depression. Whenever we do get pregnant again I don't want to to have that roller coaster to deal with.Thanks for your comment. You are so right about them being in touch with others feelings. My girls comfort each other and their friends all the time.

  3. >The books say that you may feel depressed for a time and thats normal. They don't really say how LONG it may last. I tell all of my girlfriends that are only a few days or weeks away from birthing "Girl, it's tough and NOT easy by any means. You most likely WILL get depressed, really depressed. Sometimes its hormones and sometimes you are just mad for no good reason. Don't end up on the evening news. Call someone, anyone. Because everyone cares and you aren't alone." The best thing that helped me during those Dark Ages was prayer. I would talk to God all the time because I didn't want to scare my family with my unresting thoughts. As time wore on, my babies got bigger and I slowly started changing my diet (I don't do good with drastic changes) and now I'm exercising regularly. Don't ever abandon prayer because God can give you "power beyond what is normal" and all moms know that that is the kind we all need! Hang in there. Don't try and be a hero, but just take good care of yourself and your mind will follow suit hopefully…My best, Lynn

  4. >Hi Darcel!Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this! I feel like I could be reading something that I wrote! It's amazing how this disease takes on such a similar form in everyone it affects! Oh, just…wow! My problems officially started after my first was born, but I suspect that I had hormone related issues even before that! I loved her but I remember walking into her room in the morning and thinking "Who is this baby? How did she get her." – and feeling like a babysitter. My poor husband has suffered through so much! I found that breastfeeding helped after my second baby but as soon as that was finished the symptoms started once again (and I have the scars to prove it. yuck.).and I had to go back on my medication (I had stopped it to have my son). I'm at that point now where I honestly have no plans to go off anytime soon. I agree that there really has to be a holistic approach though. I'm either an angel or a mess even now depending on what I eat or how much I sleep and, like you, my two weeks before my period are still very difficult! My daughter asks me how I'm feeling all the time too and I hate it, but I'm trying to look at the bright side: I have two kids who are very very in touch with their emotions as well as the emotions of others; they're always the first ones to run over to another child who is crying and give him/her a hug and tell them that it's okay. So I guess we have to look the small blessings. Sorry for such a long comment! Please keep in touch – it is soooo wonderful to know I'm not the only on in the world who has this! Best Wishes always!

  5. >Thank you all so very much for your responses. It feels good to know I'm not alone. I have already started watching what I eat. I'm slowly gearing myself up for what I'm going to call an Elimination Diet. I did it after Nakiah was born to find out what was causing her eczema breakouts. More about that in another post. I have accepted that this is going to be hard for me. There are some foods I'm not ready to give up, but it's for the greater good. A healthier mind and body.Thanks so much ladies, you all are the best!

  6. >Darcel! Thanks for sharing. You are making major strides in making changes for yourself; Once you're talking about it, you're healing. At least that's what I feel.I, like yourself, also experienced PTSD (at age nine), and I still feel the effects). I also lived through PPD after the birth of my first daughter. What was supposed to be the happiest day of my life (I had my first born, my baby girl, whom I always dreamt of having), however, I was so unhappy, so angry, so irritable. It was a true nightmare. I knew what I was going through, but because of the shame, reluctance, even denial, I didnt seek help, for none of my issues, old or new.My PPD lasted a full year. I'm no where near where I was four years ago, but still, anyone who has ever had depression knows that it still lives in the heart and soul. It's easy to fall back into that darkness, any little thing can trigger it again. With that said, there are days that are just bad. Some days 'could be better' other days, I wonder why I'm even here. I know I should go speak to someone, because for me, the worse part of my depression, is the person I become, the nightmare I am for my family. I am working on it though, (right now in ways not involving meds, but that may change someday). I try to surround myself with things I like (I'm falling deep into my love for photography and writing), I try to stay away from negative people, and speak to myself a lot (that's another problem LOL). But seriously, when I feel I'm losing it, I just remind myself that I'm ok, and to take that breather if need be. Sorry for chatting away about me. I just wanted to send you hugs, thank you for speaking out about this, and to remind you that you are not alone.

  7. >I forgot to add something that I think is very crucial to my success with this battle. I also stopped watching television as well. I have found mysef much happier and I honestly am less hard on myself as a result.Peace

  8. >Darcel,Prior to becoming pregnant I was taking Paxil for my anxiety and depression. It was working very well, but I decided to stop taking them because I was planning to get pregnant and I didn't want to take meds my whole life. So I started taking a multi-vitamins (Also went to GNC and got some supplements that help regulate moods) , doing yoga (big HELP!!), walking outdoors at least 30 minutes daily drinking herbal teas that help calm the mind and promote good mood and I'm not gonna lie I was smoking marijuana. Things were going well, then I actually got pregnant and couldn't smoke anymore or drink the teas. I sunk into a very bad depression. It was so horrible that my husband sat me down and threatened to either check my into a hospital or send me back home to Chicago because he could not deal with me.While I was going through the depression I was eating crap, not working out and basically just sitting at home feeling like crap shutting everyone out. Not reaching out for help at all.Then (after a final conversation with my husband) I decided to take my life back into my own hands.This is what works for me.Everyday I go out for a walk. Usually 30 minutes is the shortest time. I have elminitaed (like the other commenter) refined sugars and simple carbohydrates(white stuff ie white bread rice pasta sugar) I only drink water. I eat a vegetarian diet (no dairy) and plenty of fruits and veggies (mostly organic) I drink Chamommile tea (this is a life saver!) and there are other teas you can drink since you are not pregnant. And I started writing in a journal. I started writing daily but now I may do it every couple of days. But it really helps. Sometimes you just need to get some of the thoughts out of your brain and writing them down really helps.I know what you are going through. Somtimes I would feel like my mind was taking me to a crazy place and the turmoil in my brain would cause me to do and say thiungs to my husband that were insane. AS I was doing it I would be thinking that I wanted to treat him better that he deserved better but I just couldn't control myself. I am doing much better these days and I know it has to do with me taking care of myself. I hope something I said can help you in some way.Peace

  9. >Hello Darcel, My name is Heather. I have been reading your blog for a few weeks, I found it through a message you left on another ap mama's blog in va. I just felt I needed to say thank you for talking so openly about something I have been struggling with. I have had depression issues since I was a teen. Before having my son I had some relief due to pharmas- lexapro and cymbalta mainly. After finding out I was pg I came off of them (a pretty terrible time for me). Since I have been breastfeeding I chose not to medicate wth pharmas. My son turned 1 in May and I thought to myself I do not want my kid to remember his childhood and think "my mom was always so mad/upset/sad" I knew I needed to do something but I was still uncomfortable about the thought of taking pharmas, so I started researching alternative meds, etc. I have had what I consider good success with a combination of things the main ones being a healthy whole food diet- no refined sugar, period- and believe me I KNOW that is wayyyyy harder done than said- and supplementing with nordic naturals ultimate omega fish oil. I chose that particular kind because it had the highest amount of dha/epa per capsule (I could not do the straight oil but if you can that is even higher concentration). I also take a multi vit called sisu multi expecting (I am still breastfeeding with no plans to stop and I felt I may need an insurance policy- so to speak- with regard to vitamin content) it is a canadian vitamin but I am sure that there are some equally safe ones on the market in the US if you do not wish to purchase vits from canada online. Anyway sorry to ramble.. I have noticed if I skip a day with the fish oil that has a significant effect on my mood in an unfavorable way. So it seems like it is working. Is it a placebo effect? Im not certain, but really I dont care as long as it works and is not harmful, kwim? So, thank you for making me feel less alone. I could have written your blog post, darn near word for word a few weeks ago. My marriage was suffering and I felt like I was really going to make some not so great memories for my kiddo and that was completely opposite of what I wanted. Heather

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