one of those days

I’ve been having a really hard time lately.This past week has me so worn down. Everyone in the house was sick. Now Charles has it again. Samuel has been so fussy,especially at night. He usually nurses to sleep, but I’ve had to wrap him most nights to get him to sleep. I’m not really complaining about that.
I feel that everything is out of control in my life right now. The girls are constantly fighting over any and everything. I feel drained of what energy I had left. I don’t really like writing about days like this here. Then I think if I want my kids to have a accurate picture of what motherhood and parenting are like then I need to be honest about the bad days.

I know things won’t feel so doomed if I can react differently to the situations. Just when I think I’ve got this whole being a perfectionist thing figured out I’m hit with something else to test me. I’m getting it though, slowly but surely I’m getting it. The only person I can control is me. Well that should make life easier right? Wrong! That sends me into a tail spin of what if’s. What if Ava starts to have her 30th meltdown for the day and I can’t handle it? What if Kiah gets her feelings hurt, am I going to be able to make it better? What if so and so thinks I’m this or that? Or what if so and so thinks I should have done things differently.
There are days where I feel like I can’t get anything right. Other days I think that I don’t want to do everything right because then I would never learn anything new, or learn from my mistakes. Not that I want to go around making mistake after mistake so I can say look world I’m learning! But I do want to do better.
Charles says I have my standards bar set so high for myself that even I can’t reach it. Then I get upset at myself for not continuously reaching that bar.

Some days I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel like a good enough wife, mother, or friend.  I’ve had friends make comments to me about how natural mothering seems to come for me. I take the compliment and laugh inside, sometimes I tell them they have no idea…
Mothering does not come natural to me. I have to work hard daily and really think about things first. I suppose that’s not as bad as it sounds. I want to be the kind of person who thinks first. Maybe that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’ve failed at my own game yet again. One of these days I’m going to have a sit down with myself and come up with some new life philosophies. Another trap I seem to have fallen into….wondering and worrying what others will think.
I like to think I’m a pretty confident person for the most part, but then I have days and weeks like the ones I’ve had lately where I’m left thinking “what am I doing?” I’ve yelled too much, lost my temper too many times, the little bit of patience I have left is gone, dinner wasn’t cooked from scratch, laundry didn’t get done, the house is a mess, I’m a mess!

Remember when I talked about having more peace? I’m doing a lot better than I thought I would. I’m really doing my best to keep it all together, but lately I’m feeling close to exploding.
There are days where I can’t fight the depression off. Days where I don’t want to go outside, days where all I want to do is be alone. It’s times like these when I realize I need to do more for myself. I’m always taking care of someone else, who is left to take care of me? It’s not my childrens responsibility, it’s mine.
So what am I going to do to take better care of myself? Samuel is old enough now for me to leave him for about an hour. I went to the grocery store the other day sans children. That was so nice. There is a Starbucks right around the corner…..I can hang out there. I haven’t been too good about getting up in the mornings before everyone else. I enjoy the quiet night as much as I do the quiet mornings. Can I have it both ways? Only time will tell.

There are times I wonder if I’ll ever feel good enough. I know I’m strong and I can get out of this funk. I suppose I’m tired of having to get myself out of funks so often. I know I can find that balance. I’ve done it before, but how do I keep it, or maybe my balance will evolve over time as we grow.

When will I know deep down that I AM good enough, that it’s ok to not have total control, and that it’s ok to have bad moments, days and weeks?
What about you…how do you handle times like this?

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11 thoughts on “one of those days

  1. I know how you feel- no doubt many of us do. Are you able to find a few quiet moments to yourself for meditation/deep breaths/ a brisk walk? Please keep your head and heart lifted, and know there are other mamas out there pulling for you. much love.

  2. Oh Mama, can I relate to this! I have caught myself angry with ME for not being the perfect sit-com wife and mother. And you know what? There is no such thing and that's the truth. I'm certain that you are doing a fantastic job being a fabulous Mama and an amazing wife/daughter. *hugs*!

  3. Hey Darcel,Looks like you have a lot of support…I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling; I can only understand, support and love you as your dad :-)xxxooo

  4. Oh Mama, can I relate to this! I have caught myself angry with ME for not being the perfect sit-com wife and mother. And you know what? There is no such thing and that's the truth. I'm certain that you are doing a fantastic job being a fabulous Mama and an amazing wife/daughter. *hugs*!

  5. Thank you all for the comments and words of wisdom. I've struggled all my life with my own high standards. I'm able to let go of so many things for a while and then I get upset and overwhelmed.I feel like crying when I get this way and I don't. I usually keep it all in until I explode and that's not a good thing to do.My routine has been thrown off for over a month now. With all of these changes taking place at once. I must start taking better care of myself, I know that now.

  6. to you. Give yourself permission to be less than perfect and let go of the small stuff. I don't know anyone who is perfect 24/7. Remember that the caretaker can't take care of anyone or anything if the caretaker isn't cared for as well.What do I do when I get into a funk? I have a good cry. I usually find I can think a bit more clearly afterward. I don't know if that works for anyone else though.

  7. Oh Sweet Darcel~You are hard on yourself, but I completely get it. Your a Mommy! You're still nursing…you're homeschooling (or unschooling)… you're a wife… a daughter/daughter in law… etc etc. You deserve to feel overwhelmed and you deserve to give yourself a break.I don't "know" you, but from your blog I feel I do. Although we are different in many ways (you are young enough to be my daughter!) I feel given the opportunity, I would cherish being your friend. We have more in common than you think. I remember like yesterday being a young Momma trying to please everyone, trying to do everything right, and trying not to feel overwhelmed or not good enough. I am so impressed not only in what you do, but your ability to know to take care of yourself too. I admire you & think you have a true gift to write. I also can tell you are an extraordinary Mom.Chin up my Dear~ you are doing a splendid job. I will keep you in my prayers♥

  8. I know it can be hard to let go of the image we have of ourselves as The Perfect Mother. Hugs. During times like this, I talk to my friends who I know can commiserate. I yell, I scream, I cry, I do whatever I need to in order to get over it. And I let people help me. I know it's hard, but really, no one was meant to do it all alone.

  9. I know how you feel- no doubt many of us do. Are you able to find a few quiet moments to yourself for meditation/deep breaths/ a brisk walk? Please keep your head and heart lifted, and know there are other mamas out there pulling for you. much love.

  10. Oh mama, what you are going through so many mothers are going through right now. You are not broken or deficient. It's just hard! And you are living in a household with several other people who all have their needs and desires, and you are in "charge" of their happiness. An elder friend of mine likes to say that to be a "homemaker" often means taking on the responsibility of helping everyone in your home reach THEIR potential. But you can't forget yourself. The way I handle times like that is to cut out the unnecessary things and to find something I'm competent at. I also get out of the house and try to have fun experiences to remind me that the housework is not what my child will remember. At the same time, I know that a clean, organized home benefits me, so I come up with plans for dealing with it and the goal is simply to make progress in that area. I gave up on the all or nothing approach and have started giving myself kudos for taking small steps in the right direction. Instead of berating myself for not changing myself or my home overnight, I am encouraged by small, incremental changes to that end. This has been very successful, and now I feel good about my efforts and keep at them, instead of feeling guilty all the time.I knew before I got pregnant that I am easily overwhelmed and have low energy. So I live in a small condo and only have one child – sometimes I think it would be nice to live in a big house with a big yard and more kids, but I know what I can handle and still be a happy person on a daily basis. Other people have told me I was wrong, that I could handle more if I wanted to, but they don't know me better than I know myself. Don't worry about what other people think you should be doing; they don't have to live your life. You have to figure out what you need to feel more peaceful – or more creative, or whatever it is you want. What things are triggering you? Can you eliminate or reduce them? How can your family HELP YOU – it is not your kids' job to take care of you, no, but they need to know that mommies are not inexhaustible fuel sources. And that there is no shame in asking for help and that it takes a FAMILY to be a family. Best wishes to you in this day and for tomorrow! Hang in there. Remember that things change!

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