I’ve been having a really hard time lately.This past week has me so worn down. Everyone in the house was sick. Now Charles has it again. Samuel has been so fussy,especially at night. He usually nurses to sleep, but I’ve had to wrap him most nights to get him to sleep. I’m not really complaining about that.
I feel that everything is out of control in my life right now. The girls are constantly fighting over any and everything. I feel drained of what energy I had left. I don’t really like writing about days like this here. Then I think if I want my kids to have a accurate picture of what motherhood and parenting are like then I need to be honest about the bad days.
I know things won’t feel so doomed if I can react differently to the situations. Just when I think I’ve got this whole being a perfectionist thing figured out I’m hit with something else to test me. I’m getting it though, slowly but surely I’m getting it. The only person I can control is me. Well that should make life easier right? Wrong! That sends me into a tail spin of what if’s. What if Ava starts to have her 30th meltdown for the day and I can’t handle it? What if Kiah gets her feelings hurt, am I going to be able to make it better? What if so and so thinks I’m this or that? Or what if so and so thinks I should have done things differently.
There are days where I feel like I can’t get anything right. Other days I think that I don’t want to do everything right because then I would never learn anything new, or learn from my mistakes. Not that I want to go around making mistake after mistake so I can say look world I’m learning! But I do want to do better.
Charles says I have my standards bar set so high for myself that even I can’t reach it. Then I get upset at myself for not continuously reaching that bar.
Some days I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel like a good enough wife, mother, or friend. I’ve had friends make comments to me about how natural mothering seems to come for me. I take the compliment and laugh inside, sometimes I tell them they have no idea…
Mothering does not come natural to me. I have to work hard daily and really think about things first. I suppose that’s not as bad as it sounds. I want to be the kind of person who thinks first. Maybe that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’ve failed at my own game yet again. One of these days I’m going to have a sit down with myself and come up with some new life philosophies. Another trap I seem to have fallen into….wondering and worrying what others will think.
I like to think I’m a pretty confident person for the most part, but then I have days and weeks like the ones I’ve had lately where I’m left thinking “what am I doing?” I’ve yelled too much, lost my temper too many times, the little bit of patience I have left is gone, dinner wasn’t cooked from scratch, laundry didn’t get done, the house is a mess, I’m a mess!
Remember when I talked about having more peace? I’m doing a lot better than I thought I would. I’m really doing my best to keep it all together, but lately I’m feeling close to exploding.
There are days where I can’t fight the depression off. Days where I don’t want to go outside, days where all I want to do is be alone. It’s times like these when I realize I need to do more for myself. I’m always taking care of someone else, who is left to take care of me? It’s not my childrens responsibility, it’s mine.
So what am I going to do to take better care of myself? Samuel is old enough now for me to leave him for about an hour. I went to the grocery store the other day sans children. That was so nice. There is a Starbucks right around the corner…..I can hang out there. I haven’t been too good about getting up in the mornings before everyone else. I enjoy the quiet night as much as I do the quiet mornings. Can I have it both ways? Only time will tell.
There are times I wonder if I’ll ever feel good enough. I know I’m strong and I can get out of this funk. I suppose I’m tired of having to get myself out of funks so often. I know I can find that balance. I’ve done it before, but how do I keep it, or maybe my balance will evolve over time as we grow.
When will I know deep down that I AM good enough, that it’s ok to not have total control, and that it’s ok to have bad moments, days and weeks?
What about you…how do you handle times like this?