on the bright side

Let see, where do I start? This may seem like it’s coming out of no where to some of you. If you’ve been reading for a while, this won’t be new, and if you read here and follow me on Twitter it’s definitely not new to you.

I’ve been feeling pretty depressed again lately. Not enjoying the things I used to. I was having a bad day Tuesday. I thought I was doing better, and then the weather changed on me. The days are shorter, and I so miss daylight into late evening….I mean sunset between 8-9pm? I loved it! I do love fall though. I love the changing of the leaves, that crisp fall breeze you can feel in the air at night. I guess there are parts of my brain that don’t like it though, because here I am yet again.

Of course the weather isn’t the only trigger for depression. I don’t feel like getting into much of the others right now, and I don’t know if I’ll be ready to share that here anytime soon. I am trying to be more transparent without being too personal, ya know? The weather was the last straw.

I’m not writing this post so people will feel sorry for me, or anything like that. I like to write, but lately It seems I can’t focus the way I was a couple of months ago. Another symptom of depression, for me anyway. I know myself pretty well.

I have all of these thoughts, but it’s like their jumping around in my head at a million miles per hour, but I have to write, no matter how jumbled my thoughts may come out, I’m going to get them out over time.

On Tuesday after I ranted on Twitter – Why Twitter instead of my real life friends, and by real life I don’t mean to sound rude, I mean my friends who live minutes from me. I haven’t even talked about this to my best friends lately. If you girls are reading, sorry! Sometimes it’s easier to vent to people who don’t really know you, or in my case I fear judgement. I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime, haven’t we all? It’s just that for those who have never been depressed, or dealt with it in their life or someone close to you – it’s easy to say…. well did you pray for God to take it away? Or you should exercise more. It’s not always that easy.  You know what my problem is? I worry way too much about what other people will think, might think, or do think of me.

I’m going to stop with the disclaimers now.

Moving on….
After my rant Tuesday I had several people offer their email address if I ever wanted to talk. Thank you so much for that. I know I’m not alone.
I went outside and hung laundry. The fresh air, the sun, the wind – it all felt good. I’ve said before, there is something so therapeutic about hanging laundry. I don’t know if it’s the repetition, the simplicity or what…. I know that I really enjoy it.

On Wednesday I had to force myself a little to get moving, but once I did I didn’t stop for several hours. Maybe part of me felt like if I stopped I would start thinking too much. so I went outside to hang more laundry. The kids were playing in the hose, and this is what I saw when I stepped outside.

I didn’t think this Geranium was going to bloom anymore this year. I noticed buds on her a couple days ago. This along with the giggles and squeels I heard coming from my kids reminded me to look on the bright side. Why couldn’t I see the bright side before? Because I was too busy focusing on my problems.

I’m not saying the depression is gone and I’m cured. Right now looking at the bright side –  all of the great I have in my life.
It felt good to find my way out of the darkness this time. I didn’t have to be rescued.
Now I have another coping tool to add to my toolbox.

Pretending gets old. I know some people say fake it til you make it, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt I wasn’t being honest here, in this space. I treasure this space.
I am going to find my way off this roller coaster. It won’t be this way forever. I’m going to bloom again.

I think we all have a bright side to look on, and I’m going to do my best to keep looking at that side of life
I have lots more to say, but I need to make breakfast, do my girls hair, and get ready to meet a friend at the park.

I’ll continue tomorrow.

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Love Notes

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