This post is likely to be all over the place and may seem like I’m a rambling mess.
You’ve been given fair warning.
Yesterday was my birthday and I am 32 years old. I didn’t want to make a big fuss about my birthday this year. Anyone who knew me growing up knows that I had birthday weeks. I was always so excited for it, and would talk about it pretty much the entire month of September, not this year. I actually wanted the day to go by fast. I’ve been in this funk, and at first saw yesterday as a reminder of all the things I haven’t accomplished yet that I wanted to.
After sulking for a bit in the morning, I started thinking of all that I have accomplished and it’s ok that some things in life aren’t where I want them to be. Everything happens for a reason, right?
There is so much I want to do, but my friends often remind me that what I’m doing now – mothering is the best/most important job. It is enough, and when I’m really ready, doors will start to open. I won’t have to question if that time is right or not, I’ll just know.
That clown toy Samuel is playing with was mine when I was a baby. It’s one of the few toys my parents kept. You wind up the nose and it plays a lullabye – Samuel loves it. The girls seem fascinated that we have a toy in the house that used to be mine.
Lately they have been into what we did as kids. I think they are really starting to understand the dynamics of a family. They light up when we start talking about what we did, played with and saw as kids.
I truly believe that God has a plan for my life and since I’m not mad at him anymore, I’m ready to stop doing things my way and do them his way.
I believe that we have free will and the choices we make bring us to where we are, where we want to be, etc
Sometimes I feel like I’m living life wrong. Then I wonder wrong according to who? To me, friends, family, society?
Finding that toy in the van yesterday really started me thinking. Who am I living for? Am I living my life with purpose, or am I going day to day taking everything for granted?
I came to the conclusion that I have been taking life for granted. Tomorrow is not promised to us – we all know this is true, yet the fast pace of life can cause us to forget that.
I don’t want to live a life full of wishes…..wishing I had done this or that. I want to live a life full of doing and being. While I love to do and be for others, I have to do and be for myself first, then I can take that energy and send it out into the world.
Since having kids I’ve really started living in the moment, but more and more I can’t help but wonder about the future. And not in a worrisome way, but more in a planning and take charge kind of way.
Everything I’ve gone through up til now, all of the choices I’ve had, decisions I’ve made have brought me to this place I’m at this moment.
In the end it’s what my immediate family thinks that matters, Charles and the kids. Are they all happy and feeling loved? If not nothing else I do is going to matter.
What have you been reflecting on lately?
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