My Rebirth: An Honest Look

Welcome to the first edition of the Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival, hosted by Authentic Parenting and Mudpiemama!
In the month of January, we start afresh, a new year, new ideas. Hence, our participants have looked into the topic of “Birth and New Beginnings”. Take a look at the end of this post to find a list of links to the entries of the other participants.
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This blog was originally created for me to talk more about myself. I had a separate blog to talk about unschooling, but after much back and forth, I decided to combine the two. I’m really glad I did, but somewhere along the way I lost the art of me. There weren’t many post before I combined the blogs, maybe a couple of months worth.

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I do know the how and why. I love taking pictures, and if you’re a regular reader that’s not news to you. I suppose I started letting my pictures tell the story, and I did less writing.
Honestly, I started reading more parenting advice type blogs, which made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Then I started reading blogs that tell you how to become a successful blogger, and I started to compare myself to these other women that I only had a glimpse of through my screen.

Slowly I allowed myself to continue to feel unworthy. And now…..I’m tired of it.

I’ve held back and not talked about issues that were important to me….thinking no one would care, and so and so would write about it much better than I could, so why bother? I was also thinking it’s not really what my blog is about, so I better stay clear…. I needed to stick with my niche. To be a blogger you’re supposed to follow certain rules, use proper English and punctuation, your blog should be free of spelling errors. Um…that ain’t me. While I’m a literal person, I also kinda don’t like to follow the rules.

There are all types of errors all over this blog, and I don’t care about a niche anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, I love posting photos of my kids, and will continue to post the way I normally do. I also want to add more of me. Maybe I’m not really sure how to do that, or how well it would be accepted. I have issues, something about never feeling or thinking I was good enough growing up….  those issues could be a book! I’ve always tried to keep my game face on. Nothing rattles me, and I’m strong. The truth is, there are a lot of things that rattle me, and I don’t feel very strong.

My hope is that one day my kids will look back at this blog and see me and themselves through my eyes. How are they gonna do that if I don’t share more of me? I would really like to talk more about my struggles, my childhood, my fears and insecurities. For too long I’ve been caught up in the “right way” of doing things  Wondering if I’m AP enough, feeling bad because we can’t afford to eat organic. My kids are eating when there are thousands of kids right here in our city that don’t have food. I should be grateful, but instead all I can think when I shop, or cook is how it’s not organic.  Worrying about those who judge us because we unschool, but they haven’t even taken the time to learn about it, so why should I care!?

 I. am. so. done.

I mean, how much longer am I going to allow myself to be sucked in? My husband loves me and so do my kids. That’s all that matters. Why am I comparing myself? Why am I hiding parts of who I am? Life is too short for all this worry I’ve got going on.

I want my kids to know that they were loved, that I had challenging times, but that I also came through it.
I may not know as much as Suzie Q, but I’m going to start sharing what I do know.

I love God. I’m sassy……and I don’t  like to be wrong. Have rediscovered my small shoe fetish. I’ll wear heels just about anywhere now….they make me feel good! I like makeup, especially lip gloss and mascara, but also love to play with eyeshadow. I’m a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal, but I can also dress it up when needed. I adore big, bold earrings. My favorite colors are pink and red. I enjoy cooking, but don’t own a cookbook. I like to drink wine, but my favorite drink is the appletini…mmm…. made with grey goose vodka.

I’ve recently started wearing my natural hair after a lifetime of weaves and wigs. Loving my baby locs!

I can’t sew, but want to learn. Keep saying I’m gonna exercise, but am too lazy to get up in the mornings. I don’t cloth diaper anymore, and have been using sposies for months now. I’m upset that I can’t get the hang of knitting, and wish I could crochet better. I’ve found a new love for old black and white movies. Sometimes we eat fast food. There can be a lot of tv watching, and video game playing that goes on when we’re home. I don’t think it rots your brain, and I don’t think it robs the child of their autonomy. We actually learn a lot from the different types of media. I like having some wooden toys, but see nothing wrong with plastic….do you know how many kids would love to have a plastic toy because they have none? Probably millions.

I love Twitter. I really really do. I am so thankful for the online friendships I’ve made these past few years. It feels good to have such a diverse and big support network in person and online.

Sometimes my kids get on my nerves. Sometimes I want to lock myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes of privacy, and sometimes I do it.

Even on my worst parenting days, or in my not so great mothering moments….I. am. good. enough.

For months I’ve felt this slow build. A sort of shedding, and I’m ready to be done with the things in my life that are toxic.

This feels great!

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Visit Authentic Parenting and MudpieMama to find out how you can participate in the next Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon January 27 with all the carnival links.)

Stay up to date on the latest happenings. Subscribe to The Mahogany Way. and like my page on Facebook. Are you a Mahogany Mama? Join us at my Community for Mothers of Color. Love to talk birth? Come see me at The Birth Cafe.

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