I decided to bring back Thursday Talk. I like the idea of having a dedicated day of the week to share my deep thoughts.
I keep having these thoughts swirling around in my head. After my post last week on Being Good Enough, you all left such lovely and understanding comments, and sent thoughtful emails. I really appreciate that. I blog for you as much as I do for myself.
It’s therapeutic, and it feels great to know there’s a community of mothers around the world that have the same ups and downs that I do.
I realized that part of the reason I’ve been feeling so down on myself lies within my own mind.
Motherhood is no easy task. It makes and breaks you over and over. It challenges thoughts that you held near and dear before becoming a mother. All those “I’ll never” get shut down real quick.
All you hear about motherhood when your pregnant is how wonderful it is. How you’ll enjoy rocking your baby, and doing your toddlers hair. No one tells you that you’ll question your very existence on an almost daily basis. No one tells you that you’ll compare yourself to other moms, or that you’ll feel like a failure.
You don’t hear about how you can love this tiny person so much one moment, and then want to lose it on them the next.
No one talks about the darker, more challenging side of motherhood. The sleepless nights, stressing over party plans, comforting them when a friend no longer wants to be their friend. Triple checking every single decision you make.
When I became a mother at the age of 25 I was flawed, and now at the age of 32, three kids later, I’m still flawed. I yell. I get annoyed with the crying and the whining. I get upset with myself for my short temper.
I can’t help but laugh when friends tell me I was made for motherhood. They tell me how gentle and patient I am with my kids, and how I make mothering three children look so easy.
I do not see that person they see.
The mother I see is often on the brink of losing it, scrambling to come up with dinner, running late, and feeling so not put together.
Sometimes I have pity parties(hard to believe right?)and think of all the wrong things I’ve said and done along my mothering journey. It’s a long list.
Then I think of all the times my children have forgiven me, all the times we’ve sat and talked about ways that I could’ve handled things differently. That’s something I didn’t have with my mom. So I must be doing something right.
My kids still hug me, tell me they love me, and enjoy being with me. We genuinely enjoy each others company. That is a great feeling!
I’ve learned a lot over these last 7.5yrs of motherhood, and I know there’s so much more to learn.
Thanks to my kids. I now know true forgiveness and unconditional love.
They don’t care that my hair isn’t perfect, or that gnomes snuck into my closet and shrunk my clothes.
They don’t care that all of their clothes aren’t name brand, or handknit. They aren’t looking for their food to be organic, or have freshly hand rolled pasta for spaghetti. Those are things that I want for them. The truth is, that I’m doing what I can with what we have to work with.
I was upset about not having a garden, I’m planting one this year. I want them to have more handmade items from me, I’m going to do it.
They don’t require perfection, so why should I? They require my love, time, and attention.
All I can do is try, and grow, and learn along the way.