I have not been the most gentle mother lately. While I would like to put all the blame on the kids, that wouldn’t be fair or correct.
I’ve realized I’m having some growing pains right along with my kids.
Maybe we’re all still getting settled into our new place, maybe it’s all the driving I’ve been doing lately, or it could be that the two youngest have birthdays this month, and the oldest is feeling left out….she’s also approaching her half birthday.
I’m annoyed that we’re still unpacking, still no pictures on the walls(hard to hammer and nail with a toddler hanging on you)laundry literally piled up the walls, and I’m the only one doing the work of keeping house.
Kiah has been showing unusually aggressive behavior towards her younger siblings (kicking, biting, pushing, etc) and that makes me feel more aggressive towards her.
I’ve talked with her and asked her if she needs help finding out what to do when she feels angry, she said yes. This part is hard for me, because no one talked to me about my feelings or how to handle them as a child. It was get spanked and punished. Now I’m sitting here with my kids trying to navigate these intense emotions with them….learning right alongside them. It’s tiring, and some days I don’t feel cut out for the job.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m one moment away from losing it.
I’m feeling resentful, under appreciated, and overwhelmed. All the horn tooting in the world isn’t helping much these days.
A few weeks ago I set a daily alarm on my phone that says “did you pray today?” It goes off right before it’s time to get the day started.
One of the things I pray for every day is more patience…
I see I’m being tested on that one left and right.
After talking with friends and deep soul searching, I really think a huge part of the problem with the kids is that I’ve been running from them. I’m tired of the mommy I need and mommy I want…24/7.
How do those Super Moms do it? How do they find time to fill their cups, and still have the energy and patience to fill their kids up?
I feel like I’ve been running from my kids emotionally, and it’s really not fair to or good for us as a family.
I always thought that kids need you less as they get older, but that’s not always true. The girls have more what, when, where, why, and how questions. Samuel is becoming more independent, but still a baby. Some days I feel ready to wean him….lately it seems like all he wants to do is nurse.
So I’m still very much needed, but left screaming what about me!?
I feel pulled in so many directions, and I think the kids are picking up, and feeding off that. I received some really good suggestions for how to help Kiah and her siblings with their disputes, but I also need help in finding my happy place. I don’t really like my first reaction being anger and frustration.
I think they key for me is learning how to feel those emotions, breathe, but not react with those emotions. Easier said than done!
Sitting here realizing I don’t really have a clear thought or close to this post….I’m at that mind all over the place stage again.
Hopefully by being home a couple days, I can clear my head a bit.