Thursday Talk: I’m Worried

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I was up until about 2am this morning. I felt like I couldn’t go to sleep until I had resolved all that was causing me to worry.
I’ve been worried about my mental health. If you’re new here….I have a history of depression, and it appears to be rearing it’s ugly head at me again.

We had some friends over a couple days ago and we all had such a good time. They helped me talk through a few things. It’s so hard to see clearly sometimes when we’re in the midst of our troubles.

I’ve mentioned before how glad I am that the kids activities are over for the Summer. I’m happy that I’m not driving all over town every other day. They’re supposed to start soccer and ballet back up in the Fall, but I’m not sure if it’s such a good idea right now. Girl Scouts and Homeschool Co-op also start back up in the Fall. We’ve moved so we need to save on gas for one, and two, I just can’t handle that schedule again so soon.

We’re thinking of talking with the girls and telling them that right now they can have co-op and one other activity. Then we’ll re-evaluate again in the Spring. There’s also moving their activities to our new area of town. I know there’s a soccer league, ballet schools, Rec Center, and YMCA out here. They may not be happy about the change at first, but I think they’ll be ok, and I think giving them a choice will help.

As much as I love staying home and unschooling….something has got to give, besides me. Nakiah likes to be on the go constantly, Ava doesn’t care either day, I can only be home two days maximum before cabin fever sets in.

We’re also still waiting on insurance. Charles started a new job about a month ago and we can get insurance through them, but there’s a waiting period.  applied for Medicaid, but that’s also a long process. We’re using WIC again after 3-4 years. I’ve applied at some work from home companies in the past two days.

I’m worried that we’re not providing the way we should be for the kids. I’m worried that we’ll continue to wait for insurance, and all three kids have asthma, and we need to get to the dentist.

I’m worried that people think we’re lazy because we didn’t go to college, or we didn’t work hard enough, and that’s why we are where we are right now. I know we aren’t lazy, but I get sick of being judged by people who live in their privileged bubbles looking down on us, or anyone else that doesn’t measure up, or have what they do.

I’m worried that our van is going to give out on us and its our only vehicle.

I’m worried that I come off as a basket case lately.

I’m enjoying being home today. I’ve done a little gardening, some laundry, and I think that’s all I’m doing today. The rest of the house is gonna have to wait. I need to recharge and try to stop worrying so much.

Sorry for such downer post, but I’m not really a glass is half full kinda girl. While I love sharing and focusing on the good in this space, it’s just not an accurate depiction of my life. I blog about what’s going on in my life and this is where I am right now…..trying to hold it together as best I can.

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15 thoughts on “Thursday Talk: I’m Worried

  1. Pingback: Thursday Talk: Simplifying | The Mahogany Way

  2. Darcel, I am right there with you. I said to a friend the other day that for the first time in a long time I’m feeling like my anti depressant isn’t working the way it should. I do well some days, but others, I lose it. And by it, I mean, almost everything. It’s not that I can’t hold it together, it’s just that everything is starting to feel frayed around the edges again. I’m ok, just like you are ok. I will be praying. Like Gaia said, stop. Slow. Take care of you. This is the down time… treat it as such, and know that over here in michigan, I’ll be joining you. Hugs, love, and light, Erin

    • Erin, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time too. Something is going on, because I’ve talked with several other women in the same boat.

      I’m drafting up a exercise schedule, and plan on being outside as much as possible. Also working on slowing down and simplifying…it’s not easy, but it’s necessary.

  3. Keeping you all in prayer. It sounds like you all have a lot of stressful things going on at one time, but I know that you will come through this storm victoriously.

  4. I appreciate your honesty. Life isn’t always simple or easy, and it sounds like you’re having a really hard time right now and that you need some self nurture. Your children are young, and it is wonderful for them to see you paying attention to your own needs as well as theirs. I have learned a lot recently about NVC (Non Violent Communication) and about the need to hold everyone’s needs as equally important, and to explore a variety of strategies for meeting those needs. Perhaps there is someone else who can take your most sociable child to an activity with them once a week, so that you can have some more home time but your child can get their socialising needs met? There are so many possible solutions, but it can be so hard to see them when you are feeling swallowed up by depressive feelings. Apparently mild exercise and sunshine can help with moderate depression too, so maybe a short daily walk with the kids will help meet everyone’s needs a bit too? Just some random thoughts….. Love your blog!

    • We do enjoy walking around our neighborhood. Think we’re having a heat wave right now, but we’ve been outside in the sun off and on. I’m sure there are several solutions to my dilemma…..it’s going to take some time to go through all the possibilities and see what will work for us.

  5. I feel all out of whack with the new baby and was quite emotional yesterday. We have no rhythm, no time for anything but meeting basic needs. I tell myself that it will all calm down in time, but waiting for that time is hard. We were on WIC and Medicaid until just last year. Although I hated being on it and the food WIC provides isn’t the best we do what we have to do. My husband went from a contract to a permanent employee last year and that meant we could get insurance and we made just barely too much for WIC. However, after those new expenses we are still in the same boat financially. Cutting back on the activities will definitely help with your peace of mind and pace of life. Hang in there. I will too.

    • Megan, I remember feeling like you do right now. Your son isn’t even a week old yet! It’s hard to adjust though when you have a rhythm and it gets thrown off, but its off for a very good reason. Like you said things will settle soon. They grow so fast. I had Samuel on my lap while he napped today. I could’ve put him down, but I was enjoying holding him and reading my book while he slept….remembering when he was a newborn.

      The WIC does help….a few dollars here and there add up. Hoping the insurance comes through very soon.

  6. I completely identify with your post. the supermom hat doesn’t really work for moms like us who are prone to depression. Juggling too much at the expense of your mental health can trigger an episode of depression. but you already know that. so what are you doing to overcome it? let me if I can help.

    • I need to start getting up before the kids again, not with them. That way I can exercise, and enjoy some time alone in the morning. I just get tired of the up/down cycle. I’ll be up for a while and then I keep piling more on my plate….then I end up not having any energy left for myself.

  7. Well…from what I see I’m not surprised if you are feeling/sounding like a basket case lately!!! Sounds to me like your depressive feelings are telling you something you need to be hearing. You do so much for your children, trying to give them a good life and I can identify with that. Did it all myself and ran myself ragged. Single parenthood and the rest… But maybe you need to balance that out with giving yourself some time too. You are obviously a very caring and loving parent and want the best for your kids but maybe you need to find some nurturing too. What nurtures you? Go inside yourself and ask your feelings of depression what they are trying to bring your awareness to? It works for me, even if it takes a few days to get it!! Keep the faith…whatever that means for you. 🙂

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