A Change in Direction

image

Flower from Nakiah. She said I'm the best Mom.

I’m going to be a quitter and stop my 30 Days of Gratitude. And this post is about so much more than that. I thought posting about things I’m grateful for everyday would make me feel better. There’s a lot of stuff going on in my life right now and I was hoping to turn my attention to other – better things.
It’s not that I don’t have a lot to be thankful for, but I realized I don’t need or want to post about it everyday.

In a fit of worry/depression I thought about quitting my blog(s)…walking away from all of it. I could give up Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. I’ve put too much focus on those things for too long. Getting wrapped up in how many times I post to my blogs Facebook page, how many people have seen it, how many liked it….maybe I should try these types of posts. Maybe if I blog like her the people will come. How many comments did I or didn’t I get on my blog post today. Wondering if I’m following the online formula correctly. In the grand scheme of life – none of that matters!
I’ve been using the online world to escape my current reality….and define who I am. I’m using numbers to determine and validate my importance in life. Not good. I’ve realized that I’ll feel better about coming here and there online when I do more offline living.
I’m not saying I’m not going to blog, tweet, or facebook….I will but I won’t have a set amount of days set aside. If I want to get back to blogging for fun and writing the way I used to years ago, I’ll need to stop the people pleasing and change my way of thinking. I need to figure out a good balance for myself. I’m turning my focus back to being, living, loving more intentionally. I miss that part of me. I miss not feeling guilt over so much stuff because I reacted in a terrible way or said no to my kids just for the sake of saying no. I don’t want them to remember me being angry all the time – with my face in the phone or computer screen.

Living with intention isn’t a cake walk, but the peace I felt living that way is worth it. My life is changing, my kids are changing, I’m changing and I want to go with it to see where all of this will take us. Maybe I’m just rambling on about a bunch of nothing. I tend to do that. And maybe you didn’t need or care to know any of this(again)…but there it is. I’m taking a different direction in many aspects of my life and I feel good about it. I think it’s going to be a fantastically hard but  necessary journey.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “A Change in Direction

  1. Mmhmm, it can get crazy, sometimes! So much fuss in our heads.
    Mine was an unintentional absence (just didn’t have more time, and other things were making demands), and now I’m coming to “I miss my village!” 🙂 So I’m (hopefully) back.
    I also ordered (last month around my birthday) a couple of books, one on Mindfulness with children, and one about living without fear and anxiety–both by my favorite beloved brother, Thich Nhat Hanh.
    I expect those (when they finally arrive – the one is just being released) will lead me into calibration, also. 🙂
    Here’s to shining the you-est You.

  2. If you do not enjoy it then it is not worth it. Blogs tend to evolve with how we are developing as a person. My blog looks so different than when I first started. Recently I quit reading a fictional novel because it was causing me excessive anxiety (not good).

    • I do not want to keep obsessing about numbers. They aren’t more important than people and connection. I understand how you feel about the book….that’s how I’ve been feeling about this blog. Time for change.

  3. Love you all day girl, know that we understand. I don’t always blog because I think I am not happy or my story is not as good as…Be good to yourself, your hubby, and those beautiful babies, post pics every once in a while (selfishly I don’t want to loose touch)

  4. I’m glad to hear that you are getting back to what works for you and makes you happy. I’ve never been one to believe in blogging for numbers. At the end of the day, blog readers will come because they can relate to what you have to say and if it’s coming from a genuine place. Blogging should always be more for yourself than others in my opinion, especially when you share so much personally.

Love Notes

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s