The Hard Part

I wish I could snap out of this depression. It’s getting worse and worse….some days I feel great for about 4 hours and then in one moment this sick feeling overtakes me. If I had a way to get medication and counseling I would, but I can’t. That’s a terrible feeling…knowing what’s wrong – that you need help and being unable to get it. Even though it’s not my fault i still feel like a failure because of it….because of the situation that’s causing it.

I’ve been looking through blog posts from 2009 and early 2010…even posts from six months ago seem lost in the wind. I don’t recognize that family. I look at those pictures and read those words and wonder to myself where did that woman and her family go? I wonder if she’ll/they’ll ever be back.
Some days I wake up ready for the day to end, bedtime to come so I can sit in the dark and quiet by myself. Some days I dread the dark and quiet of the night and stay up as long as I can so I don’t have to sleep….when I go to sleep I dream. I wake up from that dream to my reality and wish it away. It’s not going away. It’s not in my control.

I know that part of it is that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain….I’m broke. The other part is that the depression is brought on by situations. I’m working with what I’ve got, but some days I desperately cry and pray for more to work with. I put on the happy face for my kids because that’s what mothers do. We’re strong for ourselves and strong for our children, even and most especially when we don’t feel like it. Fake it til you make it….where is that make it part and why is it taking so long to get here!?

Christmas is the hardest holiday for me and has been since I was a child. I’ll power through it like I have every year. I’ve limited my social networking because seeing all the real Christmas cheer is too much for me to handle right now. Some of it is jealousy, coveting even though I know it’s wrong…then I think of how nice it must be for the family to have that. That unity. That stability. That happiness. And I wonder what I’ve done or didn’t do to deserve this. My kids certainly don’t deserve it.

I’ve always fiercely protected my kids Christmas and will do so even more this year. Tell my kids Santa isn’t real? I will dropkick you in your throat and keep on walking.

People often comment on how happy my kids always look. They are happy but there are certain things they would love to have if you ask them. Most of the time they’ll tell you without your asking. You know how kids are with honesty…they serve it up like a spoonful of sugar.They tell me almost every single day…. mom, we want to have a family home again like we did in our old neighborhood. All I can say is ‘I know’ Samuel asks to go home. He doesn’t understand. I’m trying to understand why we lost our home in the charming historic district. I can’t look at pictures from just a few months ago….it’s too painful. I don’t want to remember those memories. They don’t seem real.I try not to think about how nice it would be if we could go for walks in that neighborhood again. It’s not fair that we have to sleep on my parents couches. It’s not fair that in the beginning I sat up until 4am with Kiah while she cried for her dad. He’s not far….about 30-45mins away, but for a 7yr old that’s too far. Ava wants to know if I watch those house shows on tv because I’m looking for our new family home. My heart breaks repeatedly, but they don’t know it and at this young age they never will.

This is one of the hard parts of life that no one talks about.
I’m so tired of waking up every single day and thinking this is my life and not this is my life!


23 thoughts on “The Hard Part

  1. Darcel,

    I’ve only been following your blog for a little while, but I was so touched by your post and I wanted to leave a love note. I know it doesn’t help much, but I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I firsthand know what losing everything you worked so hard for feels like. And being a mom makes the situation feel even worse. I’m still waiting for my “make it” to come, but one thing I’m sure about is that it will come. No matter what, just keep going sista. Cry a little bit, go a little more- repeat. I want you know that I’m thinking of you, praying for you and your family, and hoping that things will eventually work out the way they need to be. Also, put a link to your etsy shop on this post. I would love to look at your crafts and purchase a few gifts.

  2. I don’t know exactly where you are located but if there is a 211 line in your area call them. Many states participate in the 211 program and it’s the most direct way to connect with human services in your area. If so call them and tell them you are in need of counseling/therapy in your area. If you want email me and I can see what’s available in your area. There are generally therapists in areas willing to work on a sliding scale or some type of mental health agency that can offer some sessions.

    Another poster made a good point, exercise, fish oil are also ways to help. I have struggled with depression and anxiety so I understand how hard it is to live with it. You are in my thoughts.

    • Thank you. There is a 211. I’m going to force myself to go to the rec center to exercise…even if it’s one day a week to start. We just signed up there in the last week or so. I have fish oil and maybe I’m not taking enough, but taking three a day makes me really queasy.

      • Have you tried adding Magnesium? It made a world of difference for me! (And it’s not too expensive, thank goodness!)

        I just found your blog through Single Crunch, but I will definitely be back! Sending you strength ❤

  3. Darcel, I know this must have been one of the hardest post you’ve ever written. My heart is bleeding for you. The pain I felt reading this is unbearable. I know telling you how much I love you is no subsitute for what is missing. I wish I could take you in my arms and make everything all better but we know that is not possible. I’m happy to see the support you have here. It is not easy and each day you make it through, you shine. You will always be my baby girl…when you hurt, I hurt. I need to stop before I cry.

    Love you xox

  4. Darcel, I am so sorry you’re hurting and going through a difficult time. Depression sucks and it’s a lying liar that lies. You will get through this. You are stronger than this. Some days, just getting out of bed is all you can do. And that’s ok. It will get better. It will get easier to get out of bed.


  5. I can imagine how much harder it must be during “the most wonderful time of the year”. If you’re not able to get counseling via insurance or other means, maybe you could get a referral through your church?

  6. “If I had a way to get medication and counseling I would, but I can’t. That’s a terrible feeling…knowing what’s wrong – that you need help and being unable to get it.”

    Is there any way for you to get some help through a local non- non-profit or community sponsored group that could assist you?

    I am so sorry for your hurting, Darcel. I don’t know the details of your situation but it sounds very hard. Remember that this moment, and the next will pass. In my most depressed times I would just know that someday, I would be looking back on my depression. You will too. Your kids are looking to you for guidance and strength and you do need a place to be able to process and deal with your feelings. I hope you can find that place. Keep seeking for what you need and do the work you need to find it.

    Many good books out there too, if you need a few titles, let me know.

    • I’ll take your book suggestions. It’s hard to process my feelings because I feel I should stuff the anger and bitterness down deep. It’s like I’m not allowed to feel that. It’s hard. I want to believe that things will get better…it’s so hard to see being smack in the middle of this mess.

      • Nothing you feel is ever wrong! It’s what you feel. Hardest lesson I have ever had to learn, to accept the ugly, angry, sad, lonely, depressed feelings as equally valid with the happier, more commonly acceptable feelings. All of you is OK — feel what you feel and hug yourself the way you would your babies if they came to you with these feelings!

  7. I’m praying sending up good energy for you. I’ve been there…still there. I have an rx for a generic anti-anxiety med (which are usually just low doses of anti-depressants) that I get for $4. It has worked wonderfully. I also increased my vitamin D intake so that I’m not forever dependent on an rx. Yoga and meditation are also part of my regimen to eventually tackle this holistically. While we are only acquainted through the internet, I know you’re a great person and I’m here.

    • Thank you Terri. I really appreciate that. I know I need to exercise, but there’s no motivation. It’s so hard. I’ve been through this before and I know some things to do, but I would rather just sit on the couch and knit. I know medication would work wonders for me.

  8. That sucks. Depression sucks, and it can get you no matter what your life circumstances are. I struggle with depression and anxiety and Zoloft is the best thing that ever happened to me and my family.

    I’m assuming you have no health insurance, which also sucks. You should have access to health care if you need it. Make sure you’re exercising. Get your heart rate up a few times a week. That will release endorphins and help you feel better. Make sure you’re getting “me time” a couple of times a week, either alone or with your friends. Hopefully you’re eating well and getting EFAs in your diet. They don’t call fish “brain food” for nothing. Eggs and flax seed or hemp oil if you’re a vegetarian.
    This is a link to the Virginia Dept. of Health Behavioral and Mental Health Care Services. You may find some assistance. I don’t know; I didn’t click all the links; that will be up to you. I know that some states offer low or no cost therapy for those in need, and hopefully Virginia does the same. The bravest thing you can do as a mom is to take care of yourself, but that’s hard to do when you’re resources are limited. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

    • Thanks for the link. I have some fish oil, but it doesn’t seem to work. Maybe I’m not taking enough or maybe I just need the Lexapro more. The wait list to be seen at public health places is so so long. I called one emergency line and they offered me to talk with a crisis worker. That helped for about 5 minutes. Thankfully I’m getting me time this week because Charles is here for the week for Kiah’s birthday. But when I’m out all I can think about is that we shouldn’t be in this situation anyway.

  9. I have some words of wisdom. Some advice. It may help, it may not. But sometimes advice isn’t what you want. Sometimes you just need to put it out there. But I’m happy to share if you’re looking for any.

  10. Oh sweetheart, I hear you on so many of these fronts. I have no words of wisdom beyond reminding you that even though it feels like you’re the only one in the whole world this screwed, you’re not. *hugs* I know it’s outrageous to even think it but…everything is going to be ok…at some point. You’re going to be ok. Depression sucks so hard, though, and you’re right, certain aspects of it are just outside of your control. Just try to remember you’re not alone.

  11. Hugs to you, Darcel. I know we’ve talked plenty about this and me having been in your kids’ shoes. I have no advice and I won’t attempt to give any. I just want to remind you that you are the best mom your kids could possibly have.

Love Notes

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