Finding My Place In This World

It’s seems to come so easily for some people while others struggle through life. I see myself as one of those people who struggles.  I really do try my best to see the positive in my current situation, but sometimes it’s really hard, and sometimes it sucks. Behind the photos of my kids and behind the encouraging words I can muster, there’s my real life that I face every day. Lately I feel like I’m in a constant state of limbo where I’m watching my life spin out of control. I feel out of place. I have this voice that’s constantly evolving the older I get and the more life experience I have. But I”m frozen in time, wondering ‘what’s next?’ . On top of searching for my voice, it seems my creative mojo has taken a leave of absence. I sit down to knit or crochet and my mind goes blank. I have fabric and want to create something with it. I pull  it out, lay it on the desk and stare at it. It’s so frustrating!

nevergiveup

It’s no secret that I have dreams of becoming a birth worker. I’ve felt called to do something in that community and  I would love to become a childbirth educator, a doula, and eventually a midwife. I don’t know if any of those things will ever happen for me, or if I’m meant to be any of those great things.  Every time I’ve tried to turn my dreams into reality, there was something or someone holding me back. Maybe it’s not the right time, maybe it will never be. Maybe I’ve been running away from the very thing I need to run to. What if I’m supposed to stay behind the scenes, behind this screen and write?  I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I don’t want to make a difference in the lives of others. I want it bad. Not so people can say ‘look at how great Darcel is’ but so I can feel good about myself , knowing that I’ve done my part to make the world a better place, no matter how small of a role I play. Maybe my place is the voice behind the words.

My main focus is surviving my new single mom status day-to-day. Most days it takes all I have to make it through several hours without the kids or myself having some sort of melt down. There have been so many times where I’ve thought this wasn’t supposed to happen…this wasn’t the plan I had for my life. Maybe I needed to hit rock bottom before being able to take on the journey of finding  my place in this world. I don’t claim to be super religious or spiritual, but I have been praying a lot more lately, asking God to give me a clear sign as to what I’m supposed to do. I look for it every day, wondering if this or that is it. Patience is not one of my virtues.

notwhattheyseem

For years I’ve struggled with deep-rooted feelings of mommy guilt, and overall inadequacy. That stress has made my mind and body ill, and I’m trying to figure out a way to get past that.  There’s only so much one person can do with each 24hrs. My problem is trying to jam a lifetime of work into those 24hrs. It’s impossible and a ridiculous way to live.  Still, I can’t stop comparing my real life to others highlight reels. When will I have it all? I deserve more than this hand I’ve been dealt. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to cry at night after the kids have finally gone to bed. I don’t want to feel the levels of despair I often feel. I want to go to bed with all of the hurt and pain,  and wake  to the visions of my lovely meaningful life.  That’s not the way it works. To get to the other side and appreciate the life I’m going to create for myself, this journey I’m on now is very important. It’s so hard and most days I want to throw in the towel. I have these three amazing little people looking to me, depending on me, so I keep going for them. I want them to learn from me that anything is possible. I want them to know that when life hands you lemons you really can make lemonaid.

I want to make a difference and I want to feel good enough…not because someone else tells me I am, but because I feel it and I know it for myself. For some reason I equate a meaningful life with doing majorly important work. I feel like I should be running my own magazine or store of some sort. I have a feeling that I need to learn to be content with what I have before I can deal with more. As a stay at home mother it’s easy to get bogged down by the monotony of every day life. I find that’s especially true  when you feel you have no life, like me.

I need to print this next quote out and tape it where I’ll read it several times a day.

approveofself

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11 thoughts on “Finding My Place In This World

  1. Every time you offer a kind word or a bit of wisdom to someone who is seeking, you are changing the world. I get that it doesn’t seem big or maybe Enough… but know that it spreads throughout, just as grumping at another within the home can soon travel to and through the whole family. (Oof. 🙂 We’re paying particular attention to that one, lately!)
    I loved the loving words from everyone above. And I love the quotes — the last being an excellent mantra!
    Speaking of the other – why some don’t speak of heartache – for me, it’s a matter of…. belittling it. It’s a matter of knowing it isn’t everything–it isn’t the whole, it isn’t the part I want to focus on, and it isn’t Big. It IS, to be sure–but it isn’t something I care to dwell upon. That’s not to say that I ignore it. I am smart enough and wise enough that I can see a mistake, and I pay attention well enough that I can go “oh dear–that wasn’t good.”. But other than a private thought, I’m not interested in pondering (dwelling upon)… Ick.
    I don’t like it. 🙂
    I also know enough to know that “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” So it becomes, for me, a matter of not giving more power to something. I see it, I acknowledge it, I understand it (at least in part), and I either choose to forget about it, or it revisits ’til I’m willing to change it. (“Why do I behave this way? It’s not what I want…. What is at the bottom of this?) All of these are things only I can answer.
    The reason I love the last quote so much is because it is so much like another I love, which is “Treat yourself as if you already are what you’d like to become.” Which is a total shift in thinking, and Lord knows when we’re stuck, we need a shift in thinking!! About a year ago we were behind on bills and such… I was totally stressed out about it, we couldn’t easily catch up, I was obsessing… I had horribly guilty feelings about Maddie needing to go to the dentist… I tend to obsess on things like that (and I mean Obsess!)….
    Anyway, I was listening to some of my uplifting stuff, and had the thought presented to me, “Okay, you’ve got this worry. How would you feel without it? How would you feel if it wasn’t there? How would your life be different? How would you Feel?” The idea was to get to the feeling, that when you feel something… that’s where the real creating begins. I had never heard that, before.
    So I did. I thought about our mortgage being all caught up. I thought about Maddie’s teeth being fixed. I thought about not having to be worried about those things…. and how I would feel. And I felt liberated. I felt easy. I felt content. I felt no stress. And I revisited that feeling whenever I needed to. Thoroughly. And a year later, here we are. Mortgage is current. Some major bills have been paid off. Madeleine’s teeth are fixed (her back teeth grew in with these sort of cracks in them), and last six-month checkup meant no cavities for either babe.
    So, for me, there is a better way to get to where I want to go than ‘this sucks’. Because, as I mentioned, :), I am an obsessor. And obsessing does me absolutely no good! It’s like a damn poison, or something. So I do everything I can to change my mind. I open the damn door, so that the wind will come and blow out any icky mojo. I put essential oils in the pot. I think goodly thoughts. I sparklify my furniture, and feel it sparklifying my head. I do whatever it takes to get me out of the Ick. That’s not done by fighting against it – God no, I’d obsess on fighting it! – but rather by replacing it with other things. Things like imagining myself without That. Things like playing well-ly (a family word) with my babes. A walk. Washing the curtains. Imagining better.
    Imagining Better works for me. 🙂
    And really–who care’s if it’s the cause or not… what can it possibly hurt to feel happy or relieved for a few minutes???
    Uh… prob’ly I’ve gone on long enough. 🙂

    • I like what you said about belittling it – the negative thoughts and such. And I love this part right here. “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” This is something I work on daily.

      Thanks for sharing about one of your more stressful moments. I’ve been there with the dentist and I know that most of us can relate to financial problems at one time or another. I obsess and worry too. A lot. Right now I feel stuck in the rut of thinking that my circumstances define who I am. And I have been going along with that thought process because it was easier…as bad as that sounds. For a while its seemed easier to give up because whenever I try to move forward something was always knocking me down.

      I realize what I’m going through is a season of my life, but its a rather long season. Circumstances most likely won’t change over night or even in a month. I’ve got to find ways to work through all of this…I don’t want to just get past it. That won’t do me any good.

      Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. You’ve given me lots of encouragement.

  2. I relate completely to your words. And YOU ARE making your mark on this world my thought is if you touch, encourage, or help another person that you have accomplished much. And I appreciate your honest transparency in this blog because it helps me to know that I am not alone because I have the same thoughts and feelings that you have expressed. Thank You.
    Jenness

    • Hi Janness, knowing we aren’t alone is comforting. All we hear and read about are the joys of motherhood. What about the challenges? We rarely see people talking about that….it doesn’t seem to be socially acceptable. It’s as if feeling anything other than bliss is wrong. I wish more women would speak out on their insecurities and struggles.

      • I agree with that and I feel like things would be easier to handle with foreknowledge of what was to come not only that but that it is ok to not know what to do I tell myself all the time I have never been a mother to a 5 year old I have never parented a 6 year old I am still learning and I will be till the day I die. Though I struggle one thing I feel I am doing right is that I ask for help when I need it and I am not ashamed to do so it makes me a better mom, Thanks again for being candid.
        Jenness

  3. Live and stand in your truth. I believe that our lives happen in seasons and in some seasons we simply don’t do much outwardly because the “doing” is happening inside of us. It sounds like you are facing many transitions and while they can be difficult, they can also provide us with the greatest growth opportunities. You have a beautiful life, it has it’s rocks and bumps but it is your path and your journey. Life gets crazy when we listen to the sounds around us saying we need more and to do more, Mama you have created 3 humans, you love and nourish them, That is one of the greatest things a human specifically a woman can do. No matter what happens, you will live on through the life you brought forth. Be gentle with yourself.

    • I agree with you about life happening in seasons. As time passes I feel a little more comfortable in my new role, but then I realize that it hasn’t really been that long at all. Like I said, patience is not one of my strengths. Thank you for your comment….you’ve given me a lot to think about.

  4. Dear sister, I feel your struggle and know that you may be challenged now – know that everything is a process and that there is a season for everything. I had/have some of the same concerns and doubts – having this tremendous desire to serve and give outside of my family ministry. How do I find the time to pursue my dreams. Seriously you can drive yourself crazy thinking about it but the Lord told me to rest and let Him do it. Since that time I have sought opportunities to explore my interests and slowly but surely opportunities are cropping up. it is not perfect and not what someone else may have but it is my portion and I know it is blessed. Rest in knowing your contentment is found solely in Him. Your very creative creator. Pray before touching a piece of fabric or tool for hand crafts – pray that His creativity flow through you. Seek direction and take the steps to make your dreams come true. it will happen – stay encouraged.

    • I keep telling myself that everything is a process, and we have to go through that process to get to the other side. This is one season I want to hurry up and get through. I’m tired of it. I know that’s not the way life works.

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