Finding My Place In This World

It’s seems to come so easily for some people while others struggle through life. I see myself as one of those people who struggles.  I really do try my best to see the positive in my current situation, but sometimes it’s really hard, and sometimes it sucks. Behind the photos of my kids and behind the encouraging words I can muster, there’s my real life that I face every day. Lately I feel like I’m in a constant state of limbo where I’m watching my life spin out of control. I feel out of place. I have this voice that’s constantly evolving the older I get and the more life experience I have. But I”m frozen in time, wondering ‘what’s next?’ . On top of searching for my voice, it seems my creative mojo has taken a leave of absence. I sit down to knit or crochet and my mind goes blank. I have fabric and want to create something with it. I pull  it out, lay it on the desk and stare at it. It’s so frustrating!

nevergiveup

It’s no secret that I have dreams of becoming a birth worker. I’ve felt called to do something in that community and  I would love to become a childbirth educator, a doula, and eventually a midwife. I don’t know if any of those things will ever happen for me, or if I’m meant to be any of those great things.  Every time I’ve tried to turn my dreams into reality, there was something or someone holding me back. Maybe it’s not the right time, maybe it will never be. Maybe I’ve been running away from the very thing I need to run to. What if I’m supposed to stay behind the scenes, behind this screen and write?  I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I don’t want to make a difference in the lives of others. I want it bad. Not so people can say ‘look at how great Darcel is’ but so I can feel good about myself , knowing that I’ve done my part to make the world a better place, no matter how small of a role I play. Maybe my place is the voice behind the words.

My main focus is surviving my new single mom status day-to-day. Most days it takes all I have to make it through several hours without the kids or myself having some sort of melt down. There have been so many times where I’ve thought this wasn’t supposed to happen…this wasn’t the plan I had for my life. Maybe I needed to hit rock bottom before being able to take on the journey of finding  my place in this world. I don’t claim to be super religious or spiritual, but I have been praying a lot more lately, asking God to give me a clear sign as to what I’m supposed to do. I look for it every day, wondering if this or that is it. Patience is not one of my virtues.

notwhattheyseem

For years I’ve struggled with deep-rooted feelings of mommy guilt, and overall inadequacy. That stress has made my mind and body ill, and I’m trying to figure out a way to get past that.  There’s only so much one person can do with each 24hrs. My problem is trying to jam a lifetime of work into those 24hrs. It’s impossible and a ridiculous way to live.  Still, I can’t stop comparing my real life to others highlight reels. When will I have it all? I deserve more than this hand I’ve been dealt. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to cry at night after the kids have finally gone to bed. I don’t want to feel the levels of despair I often feel. I want to go to bed with all of the hurt and pain,  and wake  to the visions of my lovely meaningful life.  That’s not the way it works. To get to the other side and appreciate the life I’m going to create for myself, this journey I’m on now is very important. It’s so hard and most days I want to throw in the towel. I have these three amazing little people looking to me, depending on me, so I keep going for them. I want them to learn from me that anything is possible. I want them to know that when life hands you lemons you really can make lemonaid.

I want to make a difference and I want to feel good enough…not because someone else tells me I am, but because I feel it and I know it for myself. For some reason I equate a meaningful life with doing majorly important work. I feel like I should be running my own magazine or store of some sort. I have a feeling that I need to learn to be content with what I have before I can deal with more. As a stay at home mother it’s easy to get bogged down by the monotony of every day life. I find that’s especially true  when you feel you have no life, like me.

I need to print this next quote out and tape it where I’ll read it several times a day.

approveofself

The Hard Part

I wish I could snap out of this depression. It’s getting worse and worse….some days I feel great for about 4 hours and then in one moment this sick feeling overtakes me. If I had a way to get medication and counseling I would, but I can’t. That’s a terrible feeling…knowing what’s wrong – that you need help and being unable to get it. Even though it’s not my fault i still feel like a failure because of it….because of the situation that’s causing it.

I’ve been looking through blog posts from 2009 and early 2010…even posts from six months ago seem lost in the wind. I don’t recognize that family. I look at those pictures and read those words and wonder to myself where did that woman and her family go? I wonder if she’ll/they’ll ever be back.
Some days I wake up ready for the day to end, bedtime to come so I can sit in the dark and quiet by myself. Some days I dread the dark and quiet of the night and stay up as long as I can so I don’t have to sleep….when I go to sleep I dream. I wake up from that dream to my reality and wish it away. It’s not going away. It’s not in my control.

I know that part of it is that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain….I’m broke. The other part is that the depression is brought on by situations. I’m working with what I’ve got, but some days I desperately cry and pray for more to work with. I put on the happy face for my kids because that’s what mothers do. We’re strong for ourselves and strong for our children, even and most especially when we don’t feel like it. Fake it til you make it….where is that make it part and why is it taking so long to get here!?

Christmas is the hardest holiday for me and has been since I was a child. I’ll power through it like I have every year. I’ve limited my social networking because seeing all the real Christmas cheer is too much for me to handle right now. Some of it is jealousy, coveting even though I know it’s wrong…then I think of how nice it must be for the family to have that. That unity. That stability. That happiness. And I wonder what I’ve done or didn’t do to deserve this. My kids certainly don’t deserve it.

I’ve always fiercely protected my kids Christmas and will do so even more this year. Tell my kids Santa isn’t real? I will dropkick you in your throat and keep on walking.

People often comment on how happy my kids always look. They are happy but there are certain things they would love to have if you ask them. Most of the time they’ll tell you without your asking. You know how kids are with honesty…they serve it up like a spoonful of sugar.They tell me almost every single day…. mom, we want to have a family home again like we did in our old neighborhood. All I can say is ‘I know’ Samuel asks to go home. He doesn’t understand. I’m trying to understand why we lost our home in the charming historic district. I can’t look at pictures from just a few months ago….it’s too painful. I don’t want to remember those memories. They don’t seem real.I try not to think about how nice it would be if we could go for walks in that neighborhood again. It’s not fair that we have to sleep on my parents couches. It’s not fair that in the beginning I sat up until 4am with Kiah while she cried for her dad. He’s not far….about 30-45mins away, but for a 7yr old that’s too far. Ava wants to know if I watch those house shows on tv because I’m looking for our new family home. My heart breaks repeatedly, but they don’t know it and at this young age they never will.

This is one of the hard parts of life that no one talks about.
I’m so tired of waking up every single day and thinking this is my life and not this is my life!