It’s seems to come so easily for some people while others struggle through life. I see myself as one of those people who struggles. I really do try my best to see the positive in my current situation, but sometimes it’s really hard, and sometimes it sucks. Behind the photos of my kids and behind the encouraging words I can muster, there’s my real life that I face every day. Lately I feel like I’m in a constant state of limbo where I’m watching my life spin out of control. I feel out of place. I have this voice that’s constantly evolving the older I get and the more life experience I have. But I”m frozen in time, wondering ‘what’s next?’ . On top of searching for my voice, it seems my creative mojo has taken a leave of absence. I sit down to knit or crochet and my mind goes blank. I have fabric and want to create something with it. I pull it out, lay it on the desk and stare at it. It’s so frustrating!
It’s no secret that I have dreams of becoming a birth worker. I’ve felt called to do something in that community and I would love to become a childbirth educator, a doula, and eventually a midwife. I don’t know if any of those things will ever happen for me, or if I’m meant to be any of those great things. Every time I’ve tried to turn my dreams into reality, there was something or someone holding me back. Maybe it’s not the right time, maybe it will never be. Maybe I’ve been running away from the very thing I need to run to. What if I’m supposed to stay behind the scenes, behind this screen and write? I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I don’t want to make a difference in the lives of others. I want it bad. Not so people can say ‘look at how great Darcel is’ but so I can feel good about myself , knowing that I’ve done my part to make the world a better place, no matter how small of a role I play. Maybe my place is the voice behind the words.
My main focus is surviving my new single mom status day-to-day. Most days it takes all I have to make it through several hours without the kids or myself having some sort of melt down. There have been so many times where I’ve thought this wasn’t supposed to happen…this wasn’t the plan I had for my life. Maybe I needed to hit rock bottom before being able to take on the journey of finding my place in this world. I don’t claim to be super religious or spiritual, but I have been praying a lot more lately, asking God to give me a clear sign as to what I’m supposed to do. I look for it every day, wondering if this or that is it. Patience is not one of my virtues.
For years I’ve struggled with deep-rooted feelings of mommy guilt, and overall inadequacy. That stress has made my mind and body ill, and I’m trying to figure out a way to get past that. There’s only so much one person can do with each 24hrs. My problem is trying to jam a lifetime of work into those 24hrs. It’s impossible and a ridiculous way to live. Still, I can’t stop comparing my real life to others highlight reels. When will I have it all? I deserve more than this hand I’ve been dealt. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to cry at night after the kids have finally gone to bed. I don’t want to feel the levels of despair I often feel. I want to go to bed with all of the hurt and pain, and wake to the visions of my lovely meaningful life. That’s not the way it works. To get to the other side and appreciate the life I’m going to create for myself, this journey I’m on now is very important. It’s so hard and most days I want to throw in the towel. I have these three amazing little people looking to me, depending on me, so I keep going for them. I want them to learn from me that anything is possible. I want them to know that when life hands you lemons you really can make lemonaid.
I want to make a difference and I want to feel good enough…not because someone else tells me I am, but because I feel it and I know it for myself. For some reason I equate a meaningful life with doing majorly important work. I feel like I should be running my own magazine or store of some sort. I have a feeling that I need to learn to be content with what I have before I can deal with more. As a stay at home mother it’s easy to get bogged down by the monotony of every day life. I find that’s especially true when you feel you have no life, like me.
I need to print this next quote out and tape it where I’ll read it several times a day.
The Mahogany Way 