Finding My Place In This World

It’s seems to come so easily for some people while others struggle through life. I see myself as one of those people who struggles.  I really do try my best to see the positive in my current situation, but sometimes it’s really hard, and sometimes it sucks. Behind the photos of my kids and behind the encouraging words I can muster, there’s my real life that I face every day. Lately I feel like I’m in a constant state of limbo where I’m watching my life spin out of control. I feel out of place. I have this voice that’s constantly evolving the older I get and the more life experience I have. But I”m frozen in time, wondering ‘what’s next?’ . On top of searching for my voice, it seems my creative mojo has taken a leave of absence. I sit down to knit or crochet and my mind goes blank. I have fabric and want to create something with it. I pull  it out, lay it on the desk and stare at it. It’s so frustrating!

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It’s no secret that I have dreams of becoming a birth worker. I’ve felt called to do something in that community and  I would love to become a childbirth educator, a doula, and eventually a midwife. I don’t know if any of those things will ever happen for me, or if I’m meant to be any of those great things.  Every time I’ve tried to turn my dreams into reality, there was something or someone holding me back. Maybe it’s not the right time, maybe it will never be. Maybe I’ve been running away from the very thing I need to run to. What if I’m supposed to stay behind the scenes, behind this screen and write?  I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I don’t want to make a difference in the lives of others. I want it bad. Not so people can say ‘look at how great Darcel is’ but so I can feel good about myself , knowing that I’ve done my part to make the world a better place, no matter how small of a role I play. Maybe my place is the voice behind the words.

My main focus is surviving my new single mom status day-to-day. Most days it takes all I have to make it through several hours without the kids or myself having some sort of melt down. There have been so many times where I’ve thought this wasn’t supposed to happen…this wasn’t the plan I had for my life. Maybe I needed to hit rock bottom before being able to take on the journey of finding  my place in this world. I don’t claim to be super religious or spiritual, but I have been praying a lot more lately, asking God to give me a clear sign as to what I’m supposed to do. I look for it every day, wondering if this or that is it. Patience is not one of my virtues.

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For years I’ve struggled with deep-rooted feelings of mommy guilt, and overall inadequacy. That stress has made my mind and body ill, and I’m trying to figure out a way to get past that.  There’s only so much one person can do with each 24hrs. My problem is trying to jam a lifetime of work into those 24hrs. It’s impossible and a ridiculous way to live.  Still, I can’t stop comparing my real life to others highlight reels. When will I have it all? I deserve more than this hand I’ve been dealt. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to cry at night after the kids have finally gone to bed. I don’t want to feel the levels of despair I often feel. I want to go to bed with all of the hurt and pain,  and wake  to the visions of my lovely meaningful life.  That’s not the way it works. To get to the other side and appreciate the life I’m going to create for myself, this journey I’m on now is very important. It’s so hard and most days I want to throw in the towel. I have these three amazing little people looking to me, depending on me, so I keep going for them. I want them to learn from me that anything is possible. I want them to know that when life hands you lemons you really can make lemonaid.

I want to make a difference and I want to feel good enough…not because someone else tells me I am, but because I feel it and I know it for myself. For some reason I equate a meaningful life with doing majorly important work. I feel like I should be running my own magazine or store of some sort. I have a feeling that I need to learn to be content with what I have before I can deal with more. As a stay at home mother it’s easy to get bogged down by the monotony of every day life. I find that’s especially true  when you feel you have no life, like me.

I need to print this next quote out and tape it where I’ll read it several times a day.

approveofself

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No Sleep For Mama

The weather has been soooo nice and spring like the last two days. I wish it would stay that way but it won’t. It’s supposed to cool off and rain….you all know how I feel about the rain. March and April bring tons of rain every single year. I know we need it for stuff to grow, but seriously, weeks of dark rainy days? I can’t do it. I need and crave the warmth and sunshine. I’m looking forward to being able to ride the bus or lightrail with the kids. I know they’ll really enjoy it, especially Samuel. That boy is in love with buses and trains. We plan on having a small garden in those containers by the fence. Looking forward to giving gardening another try.

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You know what I’ve been doing for the last several nights? Wishing , praying and hoping the kids into sleep. Did you know that doesn’t work? I’ve wanted to scream Go The $#@% To Sleep!  many times. Don’t click that link if you’re easily offended.  I’ve always stayed up late at night to have quiet time. I haven’t had that in months! Kiah is a natural night owl like me, I get that, but the other two are messing with me. They’re conspiring against me to see how fast they can drive me over the edge. I’m joking… sort of.

Where’s  the expert book ‘No Sleep For Mama‘ on motherhood that explains in great detail how to survive off 2-4hrs a sleep every.single.day? Oh, there’s isn’t one? I’ll write it with all my free time . I’ve got to get more sleep and more time to myself so I don’t explode. Thinking of exercising several times a week at the Rec center while my parents watch the kids. That’s a win-win.

I’ve also decided that I’m ready to wean Samuel. He’ll be three this spring and I’m feeling so done. He didn’t seem ready a few weeks ago, but since then he’s cut back on the length of time he nurses and isn’t asking whenever I’m sitting. Seems like the perfect time. Maybe he’s starting to self wean on his own….I’m hoping he’ll be completely weaned not long after his 3rd bday. The girls weaned on their own so this is my first time going through the actual process, should be interesting.

Pictures of how cute the kids are and what we’ve been up to in the last seven days.

Watching Charlie and LoLa

Watching Charlie and LoLa

Making homemade playdoh

Making homemade playdoh

Puzzles

Puzzles

Little pieces of heaven for mama

Little pieces of heaven for mama

I almost forgot to mention that I merged my birth blog with this one, and moved the Facebook birth blog page to this blogs Facebook page. I also imported my very first blog into this one… I’ve had a lot of blogs!
Guess it took me a while to figure out The Mahogany Way is home.  I was like a hamster on the wheel trying to maintain two blogs and FB pages. My new motto is to keep it simple whenever possible. You’ll see more posts about pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, babywearing, like it was back in 2009/2010 when I first started blogging.  There’s still a lot of links I need to move over here, so far it looks like the content, pages, and comments imported perfectly in order.

Soooo, what have you been up to?